a Confession of

Here I am, 7 am in the morning, sitting in front of my mother's laptop, pondering what should I write to explain about my absence this past couple of months. As another thought, that I didn’t have any drink with me entered my thought, I realize something, that might came across as selfish, that; hey, I don’t owe anyone but myself an explanation.

Which is, incredibly selfish, one might say so. But by the end of the day, this blog is another space of mine, a personal space, or at least; that's what it supposed to be, until I got trapped, tangled in what we called 'blogger cliché', and looking back my past entries I began questioning myself; just who were you trying to emulate, self?

Simply put, they didn't feel like me, that writing style, that attempt to be a cheery and upbeat twenty something girl who enjoys candle, routinely slathers body lotion, and have a structured life, it's not me. But maybe what got me the most is that writing style. is. not. me. 

I write like this; ramble-y, so many comas in between and might annoy the hell out of anyone who's used to flowy sentences (what is flowy sentences, even?). I go round and round, making unnecessary long description about how someone's voice is rich, like honey dips, gold like sun that sits on morning dew. I write nonsensical, my thought goes everywhere and where, and return to point one. I did it well, incredibly so on my other writing outlet, but not here.

To be completly, and painfully honest; I never feel satisfied at this blog, and despite my denials, like; a year old denial, it's because I keep comparing myself to other bloggers. See? That blogger cliché, again. This little space structured out of HTMLs and JPGs is supposed to be mine, but reading my past entries, there's this strange sense of detachment.

Back to my previous question; who am I trying to emulate?

My favorite bloggers, with no doubt. And that is so wrong in so many levels, because I realize by the end of the day what I love about them is how personal their blogs are, it feels like they are talking to me themselves. They have their own writing style, their own photography, none of them are exact carbon copy of one another, and they're supposed to be who I aspire to be.

But it's a mistake, that everyone easily fell into when they first started this. The sin called comparison, and ironic turn of wanting to be better, brought me here, and here I am, with my own voice, with my own writing style (which you have noticed by now; very ramble-y, 180 degrees turn of my past entries), ready to tear it all down.

Enter 'Dear Lunatics', Changing my blog url is a huge decision, it's a long winding steps, too, but I'm willing to take these baby steps. It's a long process, like learning to brew the right coffee, like discovering yourself. Like waking up in the morning knowing you have to tackle the day but your limbs are too weary, and you are not ready, but your head is ringing sirene of; get up, you failure! Everybody can, why cannot you?

I will no longer force myself to write about what I do not want to write. I will not force myself to make content calendar to fill. While some of you might screech in horror; "NO! CONTENT CALENDAR IS LIFE!" , I think it's a step that I need. For now. The key. For now. Too many things are happening with me this year, as I've addressed a couple of times in this blog (which is the only explanation I could give you for now). I'm still trying to find an even ground for myself, and if that included walking away from the safe structure that I've been standing on all these times, then so be it.

There's no promise I can give as to when I will make a comeback, instead, I can give it that I'll be falling out of the regular blogger train and hop onto the slow blogger ones. That’s it, everyone. Have a nice Sunday!

And I will make myself a cup of coffee. By the way, my mom suddenly announced she had a hairdresses appointment for me in 30 minutes, so, another to-do list un-checked.

But you know, what? It's fine.

Everyday Makeup Staples

As much as the beauty content I consume every day is the morning I wake up feeling putting on makeup is the last thing I’d do. Hopefully I’m not alone in this department, I reckon each person have their own reasoning, but for me, mostly because of fatigue. The need to look presentable prevails still, and these are the products I reach for when the blue-morning comes.

Never before I thought a primer will bring excitement to my life. If you remember last year, I fawned so much over MAX FACTOR’s faceffinity, this one is even better. While both are lovely as foundation base, PAUL & JOE PROTECTING FOUNDATION PRIMER works as beautifully alone. The official website doesn’t mention anything about what this silky liquid contains, but it lives true to its moisturizing and lightweight claim. It is very fluid, easy to apply, rather than primer, this resembles a tinted moisturizer. Smoothing this over my face instantly banishes the dullness of my skin, brightens up, and enlivens my face. The perfect one for lazy morning.

Until last year, I was never a brow person. I mentioned briefly in my last post that it’s all the Korean beauty bits that got me excited about brows. While I’m getting better at drawing my brows, in the morning when all I want to do is fall face first on the bed instead of stepping out to tackle busy day, a tinted brow mascara is the ultimate life saver. THE SAEM BROWCARA in BROWN is bought precisely for this reason; aye, I bought it to save my lazy-ass soul. Like other brow mascara out there, just a wiggle here and there, voila! They might not be Instagram-worthy brows, but they save my brows from looking like two sad caterpillars sitting on top of my eyes.

A staple from last year is my JILL STUART LAYER BLUSH in OLD ROSE. Looking at the dents, you can tell this blush has been thoroughlyl loved. I mean, who’s not excited looking at that elegant packaging, am I right? Containing very fine shimmer, this pinky-mauve blush lifts up my complexion in a breeze. A swipe of this on the apple of my cheeks and I’m ready to tackle the day.

Lips is that one department I can never leave out because I’d look like a sickly looking potato (is that even a thing?). I moved temporary out of my house for renovation, and I had tucked away lipsticks that I no longer wear, leaving me with only two of them. What I thought would be the chance to use up old products changed upon purchase and purchase of lipstick (hope I’m not the only one who had committed this atrocity). As of late, I’ve been loving NYX SOFT MATTE LIP CREAM in BUDAPEST or PRAGUE, with old love BURBERRY LIP VELVET in OBXBLOOD occasionally thrown into the mix.

Birthday Haul

This post is so long overdue since my birthday was in early September, but I needed time to try the new products so I can at least give short impression about them. Excluding the cleansing oil which has become a staple in my routine and the cream eyeshadow on the top-left, all of them are new products that I never tried before, perfect goods for birthday, isn’t it?

ETUDE HOUSE Play 101 Pencil; after trying the brown one and loving it, I decided to get the champagne one as well since I do not have any product for my waterline. It’s as creamy as the brown one, and glides well without any tugging, I love to put it in my inner corner as well for more precise application.

ARITAUM Mono Eyes in Coral Mod; Since March, I’ve been into this whole warm-eyeshadow looks, even before UD released the highly coveted Naked Heat (which I’m planning to get once I hit pan on my ZOEVA Palette), and the last summer was spent perfecting my collection. I fell in love with this shade after watching ESTHERIS’ video on youtube; it’s a perfect, sparkly coral eyeshadow with more glitter than the actual pigment. I didn’t think I’d love this kind of formula, but after layering this on the center of my lids for, basically; every single time, I changed my opinion. It sparked life into my eye makeups.

ETUDE HOUSE Play Color Eyes in Cherry Blossoms; there were two palettes that caught my attention, this one and the Red Wine. I figured Red Wine looks too similar with what I already owned and go with Cherry Blossoms instead. This palette has 10 colors centering around pinks and corals. It only has 3 mattes, they're slightly powdery, but blends really well. Pigmentation is inconsistent but it's medium at most, at least they still show up on my somehwat dark lids. I'm still playing around with this palette, I'll come up with a post on its own dedicated to this one.

MAC Brush Cleanser; since I started experimenting with eye makeup basically every single morning, my brush have been looking as dirty as ever. I'm too lazy to deep clean every single week (yep, I admit that), hence the rising need for brush cleanser. This does the job of removing pigments fine, but not as efficient as I imagined it to be.

THE BODY SHOP Mauritius Dahlia; this is birthday present from my friend. True to my fashion, I entered this whole liquid lipstick craze very late. After getting NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream and seemingly unable to live without it, my friend figured that I need another one in my arsenal and voila! Mauritius Dahlia is the darkest of the bunch, a deep burgundy shade with red undertone. It's like my highly coveted BURBERRY Oxblood but deeper. It's very creamy, pigmented, but in term of longevity, it's inferior to NYX's.

What do you think of my birthday haul?